so I got only one month left to study my uni. entrence exam, and I have to study way too much:(( in the meanwhile my ex keeps annoying me. I really got bored to see him with other girls.. (damn digital cameras!) There's a site called facebook, a site where you can make your own profile, and we both have profiles there so I constantly see his photos with other girls and read his posts about how he fell in love with another girl. I knew that he is just a jerk with lots of money but I just couldn't guess that he could annoy me this much!

anyway, I've been trying to play the cool girl so I can't just remove him from "my friends" at facebook (and there are some other complicated reasons too) so I decided not to open the computer for a while.. actually by doing that, I'm hoping to fully concentrete on my studies.

* * oh btw I want to work on reducing my anger and jelaousy for him, you know these negative feelings never bring good things to you, but I'm not sure how to do it :s I just want to release myself and let the whole matter go but it is not as easy as I say.. I'm just a 18-year-old girl full of emotions and hormones and wanting to believe somebody  wholeheartedly -somebody very mean and full of lies- doesn't help me much.. so I would appreciate any advise on this matter:)

well, see you guys!

Ten days later I'm going to be 18 and I thought I should give myself a gift so I decided to work with some affirmations to remind myself that I love myself because the more I crictisized myself the more I detest myself.. even I got a lot of blemishes and I got few pounds... it's like a loop and I think affirmations will help me to break it..

there are some other things stressing me out too, first of all my african grey has died 2 weeks ago and I've been ignoring it for a while and I think I'll continue to ignore it for a while..

and then there's an exam which I should be very successful at and there's a lot of glitches about it.. I know that I'll be somehow successful in that exam but I really don't know how especially while my grades are so far away from my goal but the good thing is when I hit the bottom, or start to feel desperate and hopeless I generally get a message or an inspirational dream.. Although I haven't mentioned how down I feel to my mother she saw a extremely inspirational dream few days ago and she was crying while telling me the dream.. I can say that it was a very extraordinary one, one definitely deserves special attention but I think I'm too down to act, to study..

oh, I'm distracted a lot but my point is I'll give priority to myself then I can concencrate on my study or I hope so:) actually I got the idea from my soul coaching oracle cards and I like the idea:))

actually I'm not that down as I'm sounded; at least I still nurture my body by eating healthy foods, sleeping at normal hours.. at least I'm tring to look neat:) oh btw I decided to join a rythym workshop (actually that was mom's idea ^_^) but I'm not sure if I'm that into african music -many of workshops work with african music instruments.. but I'm sure I'll come across the right one for me:)

anyway, I think I just wanted to write few things, maybe just to show myself that I'm not so far away from acting..

and here is a pic I've just taken -with my horrible webcam:P - (just wanted to show that sad feeling has just flew away just as it came:)))

ps. actually I had completely different things in my mind to mention but I can write them later I think, I don't want to ruin my positive perspective at the moment:)

* * *Wishing you all a happy Beltaine!* * *

I feel very ALIVE tonight! I feel that I have tons of things to experience and I have plenty of time to experince them.

I think I just feel free and light:) and I feel extremely secured and happy.. and also grateful for all those things I have.

I'm just 17 yet I have tons of things to be grateful. First of all I have a beautiful home and a beautiful family and it gives me peace..

I can do whatever I want and if I can't I know it's no good for me. You know how it feels to be pretected:) I just feel grounded and simply peaceful at the moment:) oh what made feel this good is a bit weird and not so nice though.. I've just rejected a guy who loves me desperately. (it's been 4 years since he first told me that he loves me) and when I was saying "desperately" I really mean it, because he almost radiates that desperate energy, and I almost see it radiating! and it makes me feel bad, really bad so I told him I'm not thinking a serious relationship at the moment and tried to convince him to let me go.. of course in a nice way..

now I'm simply got rid of that poor energy and I'm free again:)

and I'm feeling kinda wealthy.. I think I have everything I need; a nice decorated room, a very nice computer, lovely friends, a lot of books, a rider-waite tarot deck and Denise Linn's soul coaching oracle cards, lots of nice foods in the fridge, some inner and outer beauty, a wardrobe full of both fashionable and weird clothes, a mobile phone, an intelligent brother, some good amount of money, some common sense, few guys around me, a very good school with very good teachers, some intuition and of course a lot of cosmetics! (just in case of boredom:)) my imune system a little f.cked up though.. but no problem:)

these are the ones came to my mind in the first place.. but the my main pleasure is to feel FREE to do decide what I want to do, I can decide and choose freely and even buying batteries for y mp3 player can make me happy because I can buy something and I don't know how I can tell it properly but I just feel like I have everything!

maybe it's just the Spring and especially Ostara

:))

It's my turn now Cerberus! hihi:) here are some photos of us at different years...

* * *

At a summer holiday

Revenge... (you can check Cerberus' blog for further info)

Cerberus (the Charisma) and lil' happy me:)

I wasn't even one year old in this pic:)

* * *

After telling a lot of things about my mom I thought it would be nice to put some pics of her too

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and another summer photo:)

* * *

Let me introduce you another member of the family; our parrot!

that's it for now, have a nice weekend!

PS: sorry for the bad quality, its because of the scanner:(

I think I need some advice and ideas about how to behave because I can't deal with my mom nowadays, of course I love her and I'm kind to her but I can't bear her thoughts about how old she is! she's only 50 but she behaves like she's 90! 

Actually she's not a type who disconnected from life for example she started to go to a course to improve her english for our summer holiday^_^ actually sometimes she's more optimistic and energetic than ME, but today she was completely depressed and pessimistic although she was going to a friend of her for a special occasion.so while dressing she gave me a complete list of what she hates... and those things are the things I enjoy most (generally feminine things.. ) like putting on make-up; it took me 20 minutes to convince her to put up a lipstick, a mascara and some blush! I think somehow she lost her feminine aspect in her motherhood while raising me..

but I want to see her passionate, when I say something about her appearance she says "but I'm a woman who raised 2 kids " SO?? :(

I'm trying to bring energy to home; you know cleaning and tidiness always effective on deppression issues so I care my home but these things doesn't seem to effective on her:( oh I may be wrong but I want to see her ambitious a little more because she doesn't seems to believe that life can bring her better things, but I think it can..

 oh anyway, I think I just needed to write it down..